Sunday, 24 September 2017

Things To Do When Your Pissed

A little tip here from me, when your pissed up you may do the following.

1.Eat a kebab with extra chilli sauce.

 2.You may sleep with someone and wake up the next day and think who are you? But it's all good as you were pissed.

3. Send texts of a lewd nature to your wife, but in error you send them to your Mum, this happened to my younger brother the dope.

4. Buy tackle online and when it arrives you do not have a clue as to what you have ordered.

I could go on, as all the above are OK because your were pissed, well not the text message to your Mum fuck me!

But do not come back from a golf society day, well oiled as you had won. Then you show your short game to the wife, while she is watching "Strictly".

A chip that went eschew, smashed into the television resulting in this.


That led to this....

Denise "You total an utter prick, when your sober you, yes you are paying for a new one"
Me " Yeah sorry babe, feel a right plank."

So the next day I went online and this now hangs on the wall.



A bloody expensive piss up after golf that was. And to rub salt into the wounds I hardly watch the fucking thing.

 Off to Grafham Water next week with Gruff, so popped down to Farlows in the week while at work. I had a gift voucher left over from last Christmas, good job I did as this little lot would have set me back nearly seventy pound.





Be Lucky


Monty D

Saturday, 16 September 2017

When You Take Mates Fishing

Do you not just hate it? That pressure of a guest on your club water, the sheer dread of blanking when they have driven around the M25 to be bored senseless by me. Recently Karl popped over from Kent for a day on a local beat.

Now this lad loves his JDM gear and he can fish too. We looked at a stretch of water I'm hoping to organise a little charity bash on in November. But after an hour we moved, he was not "feeling it". It's not looking good at present, needs a flush through, but the potential is their. Carl, the local Carl and possibly the only Corbyn fan in Surrey recently took a nice 3.6 Perch with two back up high 2's in a couple of hours. Shame the fuckers an out and out "Wolfie". God we clash over our politics, but do not fall out and that in itself speaks volumes.

But Karl wanted to move, his your guest so you do it. It proved a good move as he knocked out some sprightly Jacks and a couple of Chub, the largest Chub measured (yep he is from Hungary) 50Cm. Silly bugger has the photo's on his camera and has not sent them on.

I chipped in with a Jack and two small Chub of around two pound or so. I've fished with a few lads from Eastern Europe in the last three years and it's interesting how they go about lure fishing. I've learnt loads, but clearly not enough.



But then it went a little pear shaped.

Karl" Let's have a throw with your new Megabass"
Me  "Yeah here you go mate"

Rod swept back, whoosh a lure in the tree and this backlash that took the daft bugger half an hour to pick out. I've never had one that bad-honest, thanks mate. On a very serious note I could  never be an angling guide the sheer pressure you must be under? To hide your earnings from the Tax Man, must be arduous and yes you know who you are.



I've not looked on Fatwa for ages, but I received t this text into the Yat Phone recently.

A thread entitled "Tips For Cabbages, have a look Monty"

Now this is not politically correct, but a lad was asking about the above. My first thought was..... You came to the right forum mate, the place is awash with the fuckers! Don't shoot the messenger I'm not the only one who laughed!


If this comes around again, go see it.

Last weekend Denise and I went to the Wyndham Theatre to watch Audra McDonald perform as Billie Holliday in Lady Day at Emmerson's Bar and Grill.

Based on a true story, four months  before her death in 1959. It's set in a bar that "Lady Day" walked into blind drunk with her dog, then she simply staggers out again after singing four songs in front of nine people. But you the audience, get to see "Lady Day" tell her story with artistic licence, courtesy of the scriptwriters in how she would liked to have been remembered, for all her faults. And god knows we all have them.

It is in parts funny, raw and moving. And if you close your eyes the magnificent Audra Mcdonald really could be Lady Day. Please go see it, if you have the chance. To hear Strange Fruit live, moved Denise to tears.






Be Lucky

Monty D







Saturday, 2 September 2017

The Bane of my Life

Recently Gruff and myself as well as a few others have been out afloat on a couple of large reservoirs. And it has been double hard, first Bewl and then Weirwood last weekend. Bewl was OK as we boated a few fish, none big but sport is sport.

Last weekend was a tough as old boots, in that Weirwood had an algae bloom, it was so green it would not have looked out of place sloshed all over a "Double, Double" with chilli vinegar and black pepper.

I think a handful of fish came to the boat among twenty anglers. The finder on our boat was showing fish from nine feet down, all the way until thirty six feet. But apart from Gruff losing a decent Perch that was as good as it got to our boat. But it's a good crack, Gruff and I get on. That's important if your in a boat all day with someone, fuck me he needs a Knighthood to put up with me! Imagine sharing a boat with Ray Winstone off his face and then you get me, peas in a pod.


Then I moved back onto our local rivers. Been doing a little of bit of thinking about the lack of Perch last season. Early last year, my goal was to fish crankbaits more or less for the full nine month term. Give or take the odd sabbatical, just to scratch an itch. On here it's been mentioned over and over it's a method that I enjoy most.

But, this method looking back is a dinner bell to every Jack in the river. May as well turn up, wack up a fluorescent sign on the river bank that reads " Hey Pike, Piss Monty off, all you can eat for a jacks".

So a little change of plan, switch to and whisper it, use once more S@@t P@@@@@@s. Sure I'm taking the piss, but to do this I needed another rod. So I bought very recently another baitcasting number from my mate Karl.

Armed with just a few shads and sticks, I've been having a few more Perch again. All small, the three pound fish from a few years back may have died away. Pointless fishing worms (spit), until the winter as I know the Crayfish are rampaging  with aplomb, turning grown men to jelly. Still plenty of Jacks, but's it's got my mind ticking over as to how to adapt, complacent most defiantly. As we have been royally spoilt with cracking Perch fishing over time. Perhaps I'll find some more good ones as the season moves on?











Right the bane of my fucking life, this lot. Not just these, but the others that breed like rats in the kitchen at home. Are all women as bad as my wife. I like a bit of Hummus, some olives and a flat bread as a light snack. You finish the pot and throw it in the bin and then this.....

Denise" Don't throw that away Jase, it may come in handy"
Me "What are you fucking sure?"
Denise" Give it here I'll wash it up"

Now the bottom cupboard is where these bastards live. Now you know what ever size box you are looking for, you will not find the correct size lid, am I right or am I right? Over the years, they scheme, move about in the cupboard at night.

Last week I walked up to the said cupboard and heard......... "Don't going into the light Monty, don't go into the light" I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of some fat medium from an 80's horror movie.

I crept up to the cupboard door and could hear a low rumbling sound, like a mini avalanche. Opened it up and was swamped up to my fucking knees in plastic. And she said.....

"That must be you, it never happens when I open it"


Women eh?


Be Lucky


Monty D