Saturday, 7 October 2017

Perch Hole

Perch Hole that evokes a picture in my head for all the wrong reasons, as in fifteen years I've never had a Perch from here. The name comes from one of the older club members who sadly passed away a few years back.

Now "Old Man Chris" as I called him, whenever we met regaled me with tales of the huge Perch up to two pounds he caught from here in the 1970's . I've caught most other species from this pool except Perch, it's odd really.

"Old Man Chris" lived and breathed this river, he was on it seven days a week. Not always fishing, but bank walking. He was a local man, lived alone, never married and I guess looked to other anglers for company. He was eccentric, a real Bertie Wooster character and a man that every time we met made me smile. He was for ever chiding me for my inappropriate language in fact he used to wince at my tern of phrase.

Last night checking the weather forecast had me quickly change  the choice of venue, in that the wind was gusty and those little Perch plucks would be hard to feel. So a wooded area of river was chosen.

The first hour nothing, so just looking to get get a bend in the rod a long walk up to the infamous Perch Hole was made at least i'd catch some jacks as they always oblige. Sliding down the bank and getting comfortable I clipped on a Wiggle Wart, cast to the far side and started a very slow retrieve. Half way across it stopped, now fishing crank baits if it's not behaving normally, then strike as something has happened.

Rod back and I thought " Yeah a Jack first cast, so predictable" Then I caught a glimpse of the tiger like stripes. Now it matters not how many Perch I've caught over three pounds in weight, the sight of a good 'un always gets the heart racing.

Bullied into the net and a little fist pump. An old looking fish, but very welcome that tipped the scales at 3.4lb. The best one for some considerable time, I was pleased but at the same time shocked. Why today after all these years, your first Perch from here and it went over the magic three pound mark? I only fished here in the hope of a Jack or two and to get out of the wind in order to work my lures effectively.






I nicked another over two pounds and the usual Jacks, that may be a pain to some when targeting Perch, but not me. Always happy to get the rod bent in the hard cobalt conditions of winter. I would not mind locking horns with what ever had grabbed this little fella though.




Funny old game this fishing lark, you just never know. I'm sure "Old Man Chris" will be looking down and would love to say "Told you so Jason".

Cheers Chris.


Be Lucky

Monty D

Sunday, 24 September 2017

Things To Do When Your Pissed

A little tip here from me, when your pissed up you may do the following.

1.Eat a kebab with extra chilli sauce.

 2.You may sleep with someone and wake up the next day and think who are you? But it's all good as you were pissed.

3. Send texts of a lewd nature to your wife, but in error you send them to your Mum, this happened to my younger brother the dope.

4. Buy tackle online and when it arrives you do not have a clue as to what you have ordered.

I could go on, as all the above are OK because your were pissed, well not the text message to your Mum fuck me!

But do not come back from a golf society day, well oiled as you had won. Then you show your short game to the wife, while she is watching "Strictly".

A chip that went eschew, smashed into the television resulting in this.


That led to this....

Denise "You total an utter prick, when your sober you, yes you are paying for a new one"
Me " Yeah sorry babe, feel a right plank."

So the next day I went online and this now hangs on the wall.



A bloody expensive piss up after golf that was. And to rub salt into the wounds I hardly watch the fucking thing.

 Off to Grafham Water next week with Gruff, so popped down to Farlows in the week while at work. I had a gift voucher left over from last Christmas, good job I did as this little lot would have set me back nearly seventy pound.





Be Lucky


Monty D

Saturday, 16 September 2017

When You Take Mates Fishing

Do you not just hate it? That pressure of a guest on your club water, the sheer dread of blanking when they have driven around the M25 to be bored senseless by me. Recently Karl popped over from Kent for a day on a local beat.

Now this lad loves his JDM gear and he can fish too. We looked at a stretch of water I'm hoping to organise a little charity bash on in November. But after an hour we moved, he was not "feeling it". It's not looking good at present, needs a flush through, but the potential is their. Carl, the local Carl and possibly the only Corbyn fan in Surrey recently took a nice 3.6 Perch with two back up high 2's in a couple of hours. Shame the fuckers an out and out "Wolfie". God we clash over our politics, but do not fall out and that in itself speaks volumes.

But Karl wanted to move, his your guest so you do it. It proved a good move as he knocked out some sprightly Jacks and a couple of Chub, the largest Chub measured (yep he is from Hungary) 50Cm. Silly bugger has the photo's on his camera and has not sent them on.

I chipped in with a Jack and two small Chub of around two pound or so. I've fished with a few lads from Eastern Europe in the last three years and it's interesting how they go about lure fishing. I've learnt loads, but clearly not enough.



But then it went a little pear shaped.

Karl" Let's have a throw with your new Megabass"
Me  "Yeah here you go mate"

Rod swept back, whoosh a lure in the tree and this backlash that took the daft bugger half an hour to pick out. I've never had one that bad-honest, thanks mate. On a very serious note I could  never be an angling guide the sheer pressure you must be under? To hide your earnings from the Tax Man, must be arduous and yes you know who you are.



I've not looked on Fatwa for ages, but I received t this text into the Yat Phone recently.

A thread entitled "Tips For Cabbages, have a look Monty"

Now this is not politically correct, but a lad was asking about the above. My first thought was..... You came to the right forum mate, the place is awash with the fuckers! Don't shoot the messenger I'm not the only one who laughed!


If this comes around again, go see it.

Last weekend Denise and I went to the Wyndham Theatre to watch Audra McDonald perform as Billie Holliday in Lady Day at Emmerson's Bar and Grill.

Based on a true story, four months  before her death in 1959. It's set in a bar that "Lady Day" walked into blind drunk with her dog, then she simply staggers out again after singing four songs in front of nine people. But you the audience, get to see "Lady Day" tell her story with artistic licence, courtesy of the scriptwriters in how she would liked to have been remembered, for all her faults. And god knows we all have them.

It is in parts funny, raw and moving. And if you close your eyes the magnificent Audra Mcdonald really could be Lady Day. Please go see it, if you have the chance. To hear Strange Fruit live, moved Denise to tears.






Be Lucky

Monty D







Saturday, 2 September 2017

The Bane of my Life

Recently Gruff and myself as well as a few others have been out afloat on a couple of large reservoirs. And it has been double hard, first Bewl and then Weirwood last weekend. Bewl was OK as we boated a few fish, none big but sport is sport.

Last weekend was a tough as old boots, in that Weirwood had an algae bloom, it was so green it would not have looked out of place sloshed all over a "Double, Double" with chilli vinegar and black pepper.

I think a handful of fish came to the boat among twenty anglers. The finder on our boat was showing fish from nine feet down, all the way until thirty six feet. But apart from Gruff losing a decent Perch that was as good as it got to our boat. But it's a good crack, Gruff and I get on. That's important if your in a boat all day with someone, fuck me he needs a Knighthood to put up with me! Imagine sharing a boat with Ray Winstone off his face and then you get me, peas in a pod.


Then I moved back onto our local rivers. Been doing a little of bit of thinking about the lack of Perch last season. Early last year, my goal was to fish crankbaits more or less for the full nine month term. Give or take the odd sabbatical, just to scratch an itch. On here it's been mentioned over and over it's a method that I enjoy most.

But, this method looking back is a dinner bell to every Jack in the river. May as well turn up, wack up a fluorescent sign on the river bank that reads " Hey Pike, Piss Monty off, all you can eat for a jacks".

So a little change of plan, switch to and whisper it, use once more S@@t P@@@@@@s. Sure I'm taking the piss, but to do this I needed another rod. So I bought very recently another baitcasting number from my mate Karl.

Armed with just a few shads and sticks, I've been having a few more Perch again. All small, the three pound fish from a few years back may have died away. Pointless fishing worms (spit), until the winter as I know the Crayfish are rampaging  with aplomb, turning grown men to jelly. Still plenty of Jacks, but's it's got my mind ticking over as to how to adapt, complacent most defiantly. As we have been royally spoilt with cracking Perch fishing over time. Perhaps I'll find some more good ones as the season moves on?











Right the bane of my fucking life, this lot. Not just these, but the others that breed like rats in the kitchen at home. Are all women as bad as my wife. I like a bit of Hummus, some olives and a flat bread as a light snack. You finish the pot and throw it in the bin and then this.....

Denise" Don't throw that away Jase, it may come in handy"
Me "What are you fucking sure?"
Denise" Give it here I'll wash it up"

Now the bottom cupboard is where these bastards live. Now you know what ever size box you are looking for, you will not find the correct size lid, am I right or am I right? Over the years, they scheme, move about in the cupboard at night.

Last week I walked up to the said cupboard and heard......... "Don't going into the light Monty, don't go into the light" I caught a glimpse out of the corner of my eye of some fat medium from an 80's horror movie.

I crept up to the cupboard door and could hear a low rumbling sound, like a mini avalanche. Opened it up and was swamped up to my fucking knees in plastic. And she said.....

"That must be you, it never happens when I open it"


Women eh?


Be Lucky


Monty D

Saturday, 29 July 2017

Doppelgangers of the Angling World Part XXXIV

Jesus the last one of these was way back in February 2015, where on earth does the time go? So I thought I'd better pull my socks up and get a new one up.

Below we have Bingo from the Banana Splits, looking like he has fallen on hard times. Slumming it on the river Trent, cheek by jowl with "Carbellers", bonfires, takeaway food detritus and empty stellar cans by the dozen. How the mighty have  fallen, one minute your a superstar of the 1970's, tooting grade "A" charlie and girls by the dozen, you blink and your on the scrap heap.  




Below we have Alex Dalton, looking a little like he has been on the crack pipe, real fucked up mandingo.




My fishing so far this season? Not much to shout about to be honest, plenty of small Pike and small Chub caught on lures and a few Perch, no big Perch as of yet. In truth the Chub fishing has kept me entertained. One day they are like Kamikaze pilots, the next trip out spooky as hell. It is to me utterly absorbing. Perhaps more fishy photos are needed for the blog? But unlike in the past not an awful amount of effort goes into this now. Just as and when.




Really looking forward to the Autumn though, a couple of trips to Grafham Water in September are on the cards and Pitsford in October. Then focus on the big Perch on my local venues, they are still very overgrown at present. And moving along the river and finding areas to cast a line is tough.

It's August next week and I've yet to come across another angler thus far apart from opening day, very odd. I know Gruff, The Dutchman and Roger The Perv( who has popped up after being missing for ten long years, presumed dead) are all under the thumb. But surely not all anglers our way have no bollocks and cow tow to the wife?


Be Lucky

Monty D  

Friday, 23 June 2017

A National Treasure

A term used far to often in my opinion, but after the sad news today I'll jump on the band wagon! Henry Calthorpe Blofeld, or just simply "Blowers" to his many legions of fans is hanging up the microphone after a whopping 45 years covering TMS.

Now I must confess that I'm no expert Cricket statistician, but I simply adore TMS and this man for me is the voice of Cricket, not unlike that late Sir Peter  O'Sullevan who was the voice of racing for many.

I've always enjoyed sport on the radio, be it Cricket, Boxing, Golf et al. To me it's far more intimate than the TV. Blowers himself today described TMS as "company" and I suppose it is for many. Before I met Denise I did not own a TV, she was incredulous when we spoke about it.

She asked " What do you do in the evenings?"

I replied "Masturbate".

In that instant I knew we would marry. The look of love in her eyes, or was it disgust? Sold it too me? Even now I seldom watch TV, on my lap top and listening to the radio is my thing, while she watches East Enders. She is supposed to be the brains of the outfit, seeing that her work is Psychology, while I'm just a barra boy. But Radio 4, or a group of people shouting at each other, I win hands down surely.






A guy I work with today, our brief conversation went like this.

Me " Tom did you hear Blowers is hanging up the Mic"

Tom" Yes mate, but I prefer Sky Sports coverage over TMS"

Me" Call yourself English? Just Fuck off".

A bit near the mark, but even though I've smoothed off some rough corners over the years I'll not change. As my Mum says. " You can take the boy out the East End, but you can't take the East End out the boy". Very true.





TMS is indeed very special to many people and not just for the Cricket, it's life's observations and humour. It's like Cream Tea's, Summer Fetes, Morris Dancing and Warm Beer all rolled into one and much more besides.

Blowers, you will be missed. Simply thank you!

Be Lucky

Monty D

Saturday, 17 June 2017

Plug Monkey

Yeah that's me a plug monkey, love to use them. Soft plastics may catch me more fish, but fishing that way can send a glass eye to sleep. Yesterday was a last minute change of plan. The stretch I intended to fish was full of old boys, dozing off and waiting for the 'Pin to scream into life, chatting about the halcyon days of Adams Mill and how much they hate Otters.

Went to my Perch stretch, but after ten minutes it did not feel right. I could not settle, don't ask me why. Thinking about where to go, I yomped up to a weir pool that has not seen me cast a line into it for around eight years.

Difficult to access and not the most comfortable place to fish. It's a snag pit, so decided to use small shallow diving plugs. Had a great six hours sport for an opening day that often leads to disappointment.


I managed  six Jacks and four Chub, only the one fished photographed for blog purposes as you are fishing standing on three rocks. You need to slide down the bank to access this, so unhooking the fish in the water and slipping them back is the way to go. Climbing up and down is a no, no. And it's certainly not an area to fish in the wet. Trust me I've been in here before when there was a few feet on, not something that I would like to experience again.

Now Pike, are they thick? They just nail the lure, bosh way back down the throat. I did have a low double launch itself clean out of the water to my left, miss the lure and tail walk. Like I said thick. Chub on the other hand can be mind bending, four Chub landed, but loads missed. Very gentle takes, some mouthing the lure not unlike Carp with crust, then turning away. Perhaps closing my eyes is the way to go, stop watching the lure and wait for a bang. No fun in that though, happy enough with the day it was good to be back out.




I dropped a right bollock in the week. Last Saturday the day was spent listening to the Cricket and England through to the semifinal against Pakistan. Now tomorrow is Fathers Day and we were supposed to go and visit  Denise's parents for lunch. But the Cricket final is also tomorrow, so confident was I of beating Pakistan on Wednesday I said "I'll do a BBQ babe, get them all around here". And then we fucking lost. So now I'll be cooking Jerk Chicken, Jerk Pork and the whole shebang for sweet FA.

It's going to be a scorcher tomorrow, so I thought slipping this tune in would be apt. One of the best political songs of all time in my opinion.

Jah Bless.    




Be Lucky

Monty D